Vampires (aka John Carpenter’s Vampires)  (1998)

Bloody good action horror from John Carpenter, adapted by Don Jakoby from Jon Steakley’s terrific source novel Vampire$.  James Woods saves the day as a foul-mouthed career vampire hunter recruited by the Catholic Church to rid the world of the undead.  The dynamic opening of Woods and his merry band of slayers laying into a nest of bloodsuckers like a scruffy SWAT team is outstanding.  From their inventive weaponry to the special effects-laden moments of vampires dragged into the sunlight and exploding into flame, this is whiz-bang stuff, matched by the subsequent scenes of vengeful Master vampire Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith) turning the celebration party at the Sun God Motel into a gore-spraying abattoir.  Following such theatrics would be a difficult feat for anyone, but Carpenter is up to the task, ably spinning Steakley’s tale of Woods tracking down Griffith while the Master searches for a mystical Black Cross that will allow his race to walk in the sunlight.  Key to the proceedings is vampirized hooker Sheryl Lee (cast primarily for her ability to breathe lustily with narrowed eyes), who maintains a 48-hour psychic link with Valek.  Its all wild and woolly stuff, but Woods carries the film, bad-assing around with gleeful relish, ready with a stake and a snappy one-liner anytime you want it, sucker.  Daniel Baldwin lags behind as Woods’ slaying partner but comes through in the clutch, both as actor and character.  Tim Guinee and Maximilian Schell represent the Catholic Church, whose image suffers a little in the process, but hey, its all in good fun, right?  Bottom line:  Doesn’t suck. 

Vampyres  (1974)

At a time when throwing extensive nudity on screen in a vampire film would have been enough to create a stir, director Jose Ramon Larraz and writer Diane Daubeney went the extra mile and conjured up this deceptively simple, highly satisfying tale of two bisexual bloodsuckers.  The Sapphic duo, played with highly charged sensuality by Marianne Morris (as the darker, mysterious Fran) and Anulka (blonde, fresh-faced nymph Miriam) take up residence in a remote English countryside estate, flagging down unsuspecting male drivers to take home for an evening snack.  In addition to their daily iron intake, these vampires enjoy all pleasures of the flesh, and Larraz delivers the goods in numerous well-shot, sexy interludes between the lovers and their victims.  Some may be put off by the film’s leisurely pace in getting around to the actual bloodletting, but when the inevitable feeding time comes, the sheer ferocity with which they indulge their appetites is appropriately shocking and gory.  (Purists be warned: playing fast and loose with the vampire legend, the couple moves about in rather bright shades of twilight and uses sharp implements rather than fangs to get their victim’s blood flowing).  The fine ensemble performances, handsomely nuanced photography, and James Clark’s light tinkling piano/flute score belie the low budget, contributing immeasurably to a realistic atmosphere of gloom.  Originally saddled with an X rating, the film’s sex and violence were trimmed by censors around the world, ultimately released as the R-rated Vampyres-Daughters of Darkness.

Van Helsing  (2004)

A thundering, crashing failure that missteps so many times that one begins to wonder if there was a bet on.  Writer/director Stephen Sommers, who previously exhibited (relative) good sense reworking classic movie monsters in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, operates here under the assumption that more is more and ye gods, is he ever off the mark.  Turning the dignified vampire expert into wisecracking action hero Hugh Jackman was a dubious call to begin with, but we soon learn that he doesn’t limit his bounty hunting to the bloodsuckers.  Heck, he’ll hunt anything that was ever in Universal’s film vaults, including Frankenstein’s Monster, Igor, werewolves, vampirettes, and the big baddie himself, Dracula.  (If he could have found the Invisible Man, he probably would have taken a poke at him, too.)  A whirling fizzle of special effects, convoluted plot, and lame one-liners, this is an affront to horror fans everywhere, showing no respect for the past and no inspiration in the present.  Kate Beckinsdale is fetching but vapid, Richard Roxburgh plays the head undead as a sullen posturing bore, and Jackman wrestles with his costumes and curiously futuristic firepower.  That sound you hear is Edward Van Sloan and Peter Cushing rolling over in their graves.  Rest easy, boys.

Vault of Horror, The (1973)

Along with the previous year’s Tales from the Crypt, this Amicus anthology provides a impressively solid quintet of entertaining horror yarns bound together by a laughably weak wraparound story.  A building elevator takes five upper class twits to a mysterious marble-floored sitting room, so they decide to sit down and tell each other their dreams??  Puh-lease.  But the ghoulishly comic tales themselves are loads of fun, whether it’s Daniel Massey tracking down his (on-and-offscreen) sister Anna in “A Midnight Mess,” gap-toothed obsessive Terry-Thomas driving wife Glynis Johns over the brink in “A Neat Job,” or Curt Jurgens’ as a magician seeking new illusions in “This Trick’ll Kill You.”  “Bargain in Death” features Michael Craig as a struggling horror writer who plans to bilk his insurance company by faking his demise, but the real showstopper is also the darkest of the bunch, “Drawn and Quartered.” In this final tale, Tom Baker (everyone’s favorite Dr. Who) stars as a brooding artist out to revenge himself against the critics and art dealers who have done him wrong.  Finally available with TFTC as a double feature R1 DVD release.

Videodrome (1983)

As a cable programmer seeking to challenge the limits of the medium, James Woods becomes hooked on the pirated TV show “Videodrome,” whose lineup consists of real sex, real torture, and real murder.  Before long, he finds himself entrenched in a cathode ray-conspiracy that threatens the world – or is it just all in his mind?  Under the influence of the Videodrome signal, his body begins to undergo some rather discomforting alterations, such as the vagina-like orifice in his abdomen that gobbles up firearms and pulsating organic videocassettes with equal ardor.  While a lesser director’s use of disgusting imagery might simply be written off as showboating, David Cronenberg’s perverse, challenging, unnerving exploration of violence – both real and vicarious – instead possesses the one thing so often missing from sci-fi/horror ventures:  a philosophy.  It is this quality that elevates what could have been a muddled exploitation piece into a work of genius that demands repeat viewings.  The fearless performances by Woods and Blondie singer Deborah Harry, combined with the efforts of the special f/x makeup team composed of Rick Baker, Steven Johnson and Bill Sturgeon, anchor this brain-boggling masterpiece, which dares to take viewers inside the first-person narrative of its hallucinating protagonist.  Though certainly not for all tastes, this is unquestionably one of the most striking and original horror movies ever made.